The United States army urges the youth of America to become an "army of one." This, in theory, is a good strategy, until one is faced with the realization that armies made up of one man are typically defeated by larger armies easily. In fact, studies show that a single bullet  can take down an entire Army of One when used correctly.

Let's just say that the Chinese are very good at shooting bullets. At people.

So I'm suggesting the following: screw that.

Join a much better army. Become An Army of Lots.

- General Christopher Moyer

Our mission is to stick it to The Man by keeping a perpetual flow of non-stop rock on the agenda for our soldiers. A healthy diet of ass-kicking and owning of individuals (more on this later) is appropriate, to be supplemented with Chinese food (official army rations) when necessary. This mission is to be accomplished through the following means, among others:

Nation-wide Army Partying - Your individual city might have one of our squadrons, but rest assured, that is not representative of our full force. As such, sporadically, all of the squadrons across the nation will simultaneously party in some form. This doesn't necessarily mean your classically defined party, it needs only be a gathering of our soldiers in an atmosphere conducive to rocking.

Screwing With People on a Massive Scale - Specific briefings will be e-mailed to you or physically handed to you  by your local General, informing you of the diabolical schemes as they come up. These missions may just be for your city's squadron, or they may play a more vital role in a national (or even international) act of pure coolness that we can only achieve through our mutual trust and friendship.  (For more information on specific missions and past missions, contact your local General.)

Becoming Brothers, Man - Mutual respect is a must. We never leave a man behind, that's how tight we are. As such, salute when it's appropriate and cut each other favors. If a fellow soldier needs to borrow your spear, let him. If he wants you to slip him some free food at the hole of a restaurant you probably work at as a short order cook, do it.

Contact an Army of Lots recruiter near you. Currently, we have Generals in:

Knoxville,TN - Chris Moyer
Notre Dame, IN - Dan Keough
Athens, GA - Chase Scott
 

At the moment, we're accepting new recruits on a fairly lenient basis. However, we will soon launch an aggressive recruitment campaign in which new charges will undergo rigorous basic training and initiation programs before they become full fledged soldiers for the winning team's army.

If there's not a recruiter in your city, please contact Chris Moyer and make a formal inquiry.

Nobody likes a dick. If warrant this designation, try applying to the pansy Navy or something. We don't want you.

Coming soon.