Around Christmas time, newspapers, websites, and news programs will make sure they have some sort of segment which examines children's letters to Santa. Most people don't realize this, but National Cover Music Day mascot Michael Bolton gets even more letters from children than Santa once his illustrious holiday rolls around on the last Sunday in May. We here at Themeless Wonder thought it would be cute and/or adorable to showcase some of these letters from the souls of the innocent:
Dear Michael Bolton: Fag. |
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This National Cover Music Day I would like a new guitar, you know, like the one you use to screw up songs that were originally not even on the cutting edge of mediocre. When you get through with them they have about the same intrinsic power as the sound of my excrement falling swiftly into the pooper. You sicken me more than any other 50 year old guy walking around with a perm. Kill yourself? Hugs and kisses,
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I had a revelation today. I saw you singing by the sides of a gentle brooke, and lo before me stood a great beast ripping out of the once silent waters. He looks into you're eyes and you become one as you harmonize in the most hideous tones my ears ever have heard. After hearing four words in this awful tone (When a man loves...) God mercifully strikes me deaf. You and your mighty demons will not slay the church, oh dark one. You will not prevail today or in the end of days. Amen. BTW - This National Cover Music Day I want to watch Celine Dion die slowly as a result of SARS, you ignorant epistemological slice of horse vomit. Love, |
Dear Michael Bolton, 
Dear Michael,