How a stuffed tiger was transformed by Vulcan Intelligence.
Hobbes in 1996. |
Hobbes in 2003. Striking, isn't it? |
Hi, I am Stephen Hawking. Before I say anything, let me remind you I am really not a very good astrophysicist, I am just crippled, therefore society sees me as some sort of Godlike soul encased in a ovaciously dying body. That is all BS, but it sure has gotten me into bed with a good number of parapolegic Catholic Schoolgirls...
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The year was 1986 and America was in need of some deep philosophical thought in the space between Cathy and the Wizard of Id. Enter Bill Watterson, college graduate with both a mustache and a talent for combining cartoon art with existential interpretations of morality. These talents gave way to the overthrowing of Andy Capp as most successful cartoon philosoph in the Sunday Press. Calvin and Hobbes were here, and here to stay, until tradgedy struck on January 1st, 1996. First tradgedy, then a government cover up, and eventually mankinds true fate.
Before we go any further, it must be assumed quantumcartoonograflux is understood in an elementary fasion. (See inset to right.) Mr. Hawking explains,
"For one to understand quantumcartoonograflux one must familiarize one's self with the concept of alternate universes. All states of creativity in theory create their own existances and withen these worlds different choices are made and different creations share environments. The moment one thinks of a Snoopy, Snoopy is no longer an idea but a happily dancing dog with a professional gay swimmer named Charles Brown as his dominant love slave. This is the key to understanding quantumcartoongraflux. Somewhere, somehow, everything that is thought of in the mind exists in some “world” independantly of the idea. Within a black hole societal humanity can interact within this world and if universal technology is understood, compliance between universes and realities can be participated in, though contrary to popular thought not always enjoyed, for the things created by mankind embrace the morality mankind has enveloped."
Seen below is the “final” Calvin and Hobbes. This was widely advertised as the last appearance of Sunday mornings favorite sons. On August 4th, 1998 a harvard professor named Steven Reno declared it was in fact not supposed to be the final appearance but a ploy to build up the Calvin and Hobbes phenomenon to an unprecidented degree. August 5th Dr. Reno committed suicide. Few questioned this phenomenon, citing Reno as a disturbed man that looked to illustrations en leu’ of his depression filled reality. They said his comments on Calvin and Hobbes were the last cries of a desperate and sick mind. Not until two months ago did the importance of the “Reno Confessions” come to light. Not until Hobbes the tiger...returned.
Hobbes the Tiger had colored his orange fur to a flesh color and his white whiskers to black. Living in France after an attempted murder by X President Jimmy Carter, Hobbes speaks freely now of his last days in America.
TW: Mr. Hobbes
 Above: First Lesbian Clone (Unproven) |
H: Please, call me Rae’l.
TW: How about "no."
H: ...
TW: Where is Calvin?
H: Unfortunately, that sick twisted bastard...[Hobbes begins to tear up] THAT F***ING MONSTER!!! [Hobbes breaks down]
TW: It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s...alright.
H: I’m sorry...it’s just...he was my life partner. He is the only man I will ever truly love. A lot of people said it was wrong of me to love someone so young, but they are unenlightened. Calvin was ahead of his time, even ahead of mine.
TW: Go on.
H: You see, when I escaped to France, I didn’t understand why. He butchered my Calvin and suddenly did something I could only describe as implosion.
TW: He imploded?
H: Yes. It was only a year later I would understand what happened.
What happened has something to do with Hobbes the tiger changing his name to Rael and starting Clonaid. Apparently he made contact with an alien called “Dr. Spock” who, after fondiling and probing his inner most sanctions, told him of a world to come. A world created by clones of lesbians and clones of clones of lesbians, and that it was up to Hobbes (or Rael) to make sure this took place as soon as possible...before the American Government and Pat Robertson of the 700 club destroyed humanities beautiful lesbian porn filled future.
Some say the cloning is all "bolonie." Rael’s Frasier to Calvin and Hobbes’ Cheers. Jordan Davis, of Mocking Bird Heights, Maine, is one of the most respected naysayers of the Clonaide philosophy. “How do you explain Jimmy Carter getting the noble peace prize if he imploded?” It was a good question. “What about gay men? Where are they going to find love in this apparent ‘paradise’?” Davis was full of good points, but this doesn’t stop the Clonaide phenomenon from gaining interest every day. Some truly convinced that the once stuffed tiger, visible to so few, is now a diety among all, invisible, as his own comic once suggested, only to those blind to true reality.
