On December 8th, 2002, Japan had its pride handed to it in a painfully embarrassing way, as residents of Shimosuwamachi watched 150 riot police in a futile attempt to capture one monkey. The monkey, which had allegedly made a habit of attacking civilians, managed to evade not only the massive force of authorities, but also seven traps that were set to capture him, officially earning the Shimosuwamachi police force the distinction of “Most Useless Façade of Security Ever to Grace Society.”
You think this is funny, don’t you?
Clearly, there’s something wrong here. Something very wrong. When I read this story, I was intrigued as to why this formerly gentle monkey, an upstanding zoo denizen that paid his taxes and occasionally cleaned up after himself, would turn rogue and lead a life of crime. Further research, however, uncovered an ages-old plot that is beginning to culminate.
Early Colonial Period: Apes Discover Weaponry |
The earliest of the European colonists set an unhealthy trend in primate abuse through their use of forced ape labor as a cheap source of raw manpower. The seeds of discontentment were spread worldwide as colonial ships reached country after country, taking with them their horrendous monkey work force.
It was at this point in time that monkeys began experimenting with ways to fight back, and through watching their overlords, eventually found themselves able to craft their own weapons from items stolen from storehouses and armament posts. The battle-axe was the first of the weapons mastered, but no uprising occurred. Despite the diaspora of the monkey nation, and underground communication system still kept them unified, and by and large the strategy first introduced among the primates was highly favored: Lay low. This is what they did for countless years.
Late 1980's: Monkeys Have Fooled Us |
By the late 80’s, humanity saw monkeys as loveable and amiable, capable of space flight and large movie roles but not of anything hostile. The truth is something less glamorous. While monkeys may have appeared loving on the outside, inside they burned with a secret hatred for the species than had enslaved them, used them as testing materials for shampoos, and made a mockery of their culture.
Monkeys, in short, had succeeded in their plan to fully integrate themselves into the human lifestyle. Michael Jackson’s pet chimpanzee, for instance, regularly funneled monetary assets from Michael’s bank accounts into a Swiss account held by another monkey known as Sparky (pictured with his “owner”), who used the money to purchase black market weapons to dispense to guerilla groups forming in the jungles of South America and Asia.
Early 1990's: Monkeys Begin Training |
1991 marked the institution of “Project Manslap,” an intense training program made up primarily of wargames that would simulate the inevitable bloodshed resulting from the primate assault on the human world. Ironically, these training exercises were regularly filmed by The Discovery Channel and Animal Planet, whose photographers were oblivious to the fact that, while it may have appeared that these monkeys were in-fighting, they were in fact preparing for the day when they would overthrow us.
Late 1990's: The Army is Ready |
By 1998, Project Manslap was finished and the monkeys had enough trained warriors and a vast enough arsenal to begin their offensive. A few skirmishes in third world countries resulted, and a source inside the Pentagon candidly informs me that at least three such nations have figurehead leaders, while monkeys pull the strings from behind the scenes with their small, stubby fingers.
Modern Day: Prepare to Be Rocked |
There’s an army prowling the forests and jungles of the world, one capable of harnessing extreme firepower, highly-trained and without fear. They feel no pain. They feel no remorse. And soon they will rise, engulfing human civilization in flames, unless humanity makes immediate reparations for the long years of cruelty.
Japan was just a glimpse of what’s to come if we don’t pacify the rebel agents as soon as possible. Monkeys are all around us, flying our space shuttles, working in our labs, hugging our children…Think about the zoos. In zoos, monkeys have access to other species of animals, also in captivity. Vast alliances are being built as we speak, and if you don’t want to see our nation’s zoos become bases for monkeys with shoulder-launched missiles, you’re better off writing a letter to your congressman immediately.
